I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
