I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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