please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
