I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize