I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
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So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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