dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
