What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
