sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
