i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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