But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
