Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
