She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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