my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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