we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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