DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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