I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
