it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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