He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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