...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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