DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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