If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
