So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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