I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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