Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
