marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
