So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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