Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
