she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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