I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
