Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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