Porn is love you can see.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
