There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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