What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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