she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
