dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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