my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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