im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
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I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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