i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
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We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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