we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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