All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
