So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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