Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
