can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
