You smell like stripper and shame
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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