every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
