my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
