I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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