In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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