you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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