If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
