He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
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it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
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I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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