I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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