i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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