Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
do nipples grow back?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
