when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
