Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
