When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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