so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
